By Lindsey for DivorcedMoms. So you are finally divorced from your narcissistand no longer do you have to endure the day-to-day abuse, the passive aggressive manipulation, or his constant attempts to make you look like the bad person.
Or do you? Just because he is your ex, doesn't mean his behavior ever stops. There will be times you need to communicate with your ex, especially if you must co-parent. But because he is a narcissist, the simple act of communicating seems close to impossible. He may not respond to you at all, or play games with you via text or email, making you want to pull your hair out. Or the simple request of having him take your child to a sports function ends up in a full blown argument.
Beware of the narcissistic vortex. It's his need for narcissistic supply -- the gasoline that provides fuel to his ego. He needs to remind himself and others that he is still truly special, but because you are now divorced, he knows you no longer consider him the prince he is trying to be. And for that, he resents you greatly.
So how can you communicate with someone who feels constantly threatened by you? While it's not ideal, it is possible, as long as you never get trapped in his vortex. It just takes a little bit of work and focus on your part.
Do not engage: While you may have to discuss logistics about joint assets or your children, it doesn't mean you must engage in every comment he makes. Should he insult you, or jab at your self-esteem, do NOT engage. This means do not defend yourself, insult him back, or threaten to take away the said assets or children.
Stick with the goal at hand. Repeat the question and wait for your answer. If the behavior continues, walk away, hang up, or do not reply if it's via text or email.
By engaging him, he has won another round of supply, no matter how negative. It makes you look like the crazy person, and he the victim. Mission accomplished. Reply with "yes" or "no" answers: Unfortunately with narcissists, they can never write an email or text without passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult.Have you ever wondered why a toxic ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend reached out to you after a break-up to try and remain friends?
Why someone who clearly did not value you during your relationship together seemed to show renewed interest only after things ended? This is not surprising to anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist. By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time.
Rest assured, hoovering is a power play, not an indication that the narcissist actually values you. As one narcissism expert puts it:. Unfortunately, hoovering can be incredibly nefarious and insidious in its impact.
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse can be left reeling as they are thrown back into self-doubt and the temptation to reengage in the cycle with their narcissistic partners.
This is due to what Dr. Hoovering has the ability to trigger the trauma bond and unhealed wounds, bringing them to the surface and compelling us to go back to the source of the trauma as a form of comfort or survival.
Unhealthy relationships cause stronger trauma bonds. Research indicates that rejection by a romantic partner can create an unwavering biochemical attachment, affecting brain activity that is associated with addiction cravings, rewards and motivation; in fact, adversity-ridden relationships can also cause similar activity in the brain as cocaine Fisher et.
Work with a professional to ground yourself into the truth of the abuse that occurred and to bring the character of your narcissistic partner into full clarity.
Note if your toxic ex-partner is attempting to hoover and re-write the reality of the abuse: this is known as gaslighting and it can easily ensnare someone back into a toxic relationship.
Examine the wounds at the root of your addiction to your former partner. Carnell, S. Bad Boys, Bad Brains. Psychology Today. Carnes, P. Health Communications, Incorporated. Earp, B. Fisher, H. Mogilski, J. Staying friends with an ex: Sex and dark personality traits predict motivations for post-relationship friendship.
Schneider, A. Psych Central. Featured image licensed via Shutterstock. Shahida Arabi is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University graduate school, where she researched the effects of bullying across the life-course trajectory. Her work has been shared and endorsed by numerous clinicians, mental health advocates, mental health professionals and bestselling authors. She is passionate about using her knowledge base in psychology, sociology, gender studies and mental health to help survivors empower themselves after emotional abuse and trauma.
Or via RSS Feed.Narcissists are a different type of persons who feel that they are superior to everyone in this world. So obviously, a relationship with such a kind of person is even more difficult. Unlike the normal people, when a narcissist dumped you, it becomes so devastating that they make you feel worst and useless. How they behave, how they think and finally what happens when you ignore a narcissist who dumped you.
First of all, how does a narcissist think about relationships? See, you may have already seen many websites which bombard you with some absolute non sense, which are no way practical. But I at crazyJackz only give you practical conclusions that are true to real life.
If you are reading this article, most probably you already know who a narcissist is. As we all know, Narcissists tend to calculate the value of all the things and people they meet. The problem is that they apply this even to relationships. Read Do Narcissists enjoy kissing? Why do they feel a weird aversion?
They always calculate the value just because they want the high-value things and people to feed their egos. They feel they are the most superior creatures living and thus feel that only high people and things can match them.
So coming to the main point. How a narcissist sees a relationship is completely different to what others see. According to their view, a partner is a one who increases their value and standard. This is the reason why a narcissist unknowingly gets attracted to good looking, high status, highly popular people. What do they generally expect after dumping you? In general, narcissist tends to believe that they are the one who was having the upper hand in the relationship.
So this is exactly what a narcissist expects when they dump you. If not why do you think narcissists generally dump a person all of a sudden unexpectedly. As I explained above, a narcissist will be expecting such a kind of response from you. But if you start ignoring them, he gets confused completely, and this is what happens. Whenever a narcissist feels ignored the first thing he thinks to plan is the revenge. Thus they immediately start reacting and thus may delete your number and block you on all social networks.
My narc ex just blocked me last night. Two weeks ago, I initiated No Contact. He would not leave me alone and was begging me.Were you married to a narcissist or recently broke up with one?
If that is the case, then you have experienced how utterly painful divorce can be. You have to deal with the loss of the relationship or sense of family, and worry about the children and money. Yet to make matters worse, you are made to feel as if all those good years counted for absolutely nothing as your narcissistic ex will say or do anything that reaps him benefits at your expense.
There is no loyalty or appreciation for all the good years and effort that you put in to the relationship. Now that you have split, whatever is in his or her best interest is all that counts. Why would anyone fall in love with a narcissist, the master manipulator? To begin with, narcissists are very charming and often present themselves so as to be attractive and charismatic. They are what the person wants them to be.
They are often the center of attention and tend to be successful in whatever field they have chosen. When a relationship first starts with a narcissist, they shower their new partner with affection, admiration, and compliments.
A narcissist appears to have really loved you- because falling in love feels so good to them. They thrive on being enchanted by a partner who sees them as the fantasy they imagine themselves to be. They adore you for adoring them and love being loved. Most people find that falling in love is just the first step toward a more intricate and intimate relationship. However, when the bloom of romance fades for the narcissist that is when things can get doubtful and risky.
As the high of being in love wears off, the narcissist begins to realize that being in a serious relationship will involve times that are not all bliss and that they cannot hide their own flaws forever.
A Narcissist Always Returns (The Hoovering)
Furthermore, they cannot tolerate your flaws either as they feel it is a reflection on them. A narcissist will be super sensitive to criticism but will regularly dish it out without any remorse.
At some point either you or your ex had enough of the conflict and abuse and chose to break up. The stress of the split most often makes the narcissist even more difficult to deal with, and you will have to cope with the realization that you were never truly loved in the first place.
While you are an emotional wreck, he maintains composure and is as cold as ice. You are left to deal with the real-life responsibilities while he walks away from everything; you will be left to clean up the mess he has made and pay his bills.
It is common for them to leave you to clean up the house while they clean out your bank account. The narcissistic ex will continue to act in abusive and manipulative ways. He may even engage in destructive acts. The ex will consistently manipulate the children, often with gifts, to enlist their sympathy to his side. A narcissistic ex often finds reasons to remain in the life of the former partner and continues to present problems after the relationship ends.
If you are in the process of ending a marriage with a narcissist, it is important to take full advantage of the legal system to help end the relationship in a safe manner. A therapist or support group can help people who have children with a narcissistic ex learn coping skills for interacting with the narcissist calmly and how to maintain personal boundaries.
Narcissists are only concerned about themselves and can be unreasonable, selfish, emotionally volatile, and manipulative. It is important to avoid engaging emotionally with the narcissistic ex as that is a form of supply, and consistently reinforce strong personal boundaries. Narcissists commonly launch personal attacks against their victims. When dealing with a narcissistic ex, refuse to respond to personal attacks and that may help de-escalate the situation.
Many narcissists also respond well to a flattering statement. Rather than emotionally engaging with the narcissist, try using flattery to suggest a change in behavior. Most people with narcissism fail to respect the needs of others. Dealing with a narcissist often means stating and re-stating your boundaries repeatedly, and consistently sticking with them.
If you give in just once, the narcissist will continue to invade the boundaries you have set.A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her.
Referred to as the hoover or, as I like to call it, The Hooveringbecause, to me, it smacks of a scary movie! By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim.
As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster after his return and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda — which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with — is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks.
This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it — The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. For years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. Sound far-fetched.
No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit.
No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it! My life is good.
Do these creatures still hoover a person who has expressed no interest in them? Hi Sophia, The answer to your question is that yes, some will absolutely do that just to see if you will answer the phone or respond to a text, given how they know you feel.
Almost two years since our break up whichni instigated due to all the signs of cheating being there. Last night he texts saying please can you start the divorce as no point being attached to each other like this. By the way i really did love you. Then i find out hes rung my dad crying about me putting his stuff out for him to collect 18 months ago.
Oh and yes…a new cell phone number.Falling for a covert narcissist is a toxic cycle of emotional abuse. But narcissists drain anyone of any good energy or any good intentions one might have.
You looked at who you wanted him to be rather than who he actually was. You saw the relationship not through accurate lenses but rather where you thought it would go if you invested enough time and energy into this person. These relationships last a long time because you become almost addicted to wanting the outcome to be in your favor.
There was no negotiating or compromise what he said went and there were no questions asked. And while you liked that a first, you soon realized no matter what you said or how many times, he never heard it or cared enough to listen.
It was the little things he said and how he said them. He knew exactly what to say to you, to get under your skin or get you to do something. He was like a puppeteer pulling every one of your strings. He was above that. He thought he could get away with anything. And most the time when someone has that attitude they do because no one cares enough to stop them. He cared about what people thought of him. He liked controlling the narrative. He would lie to protect himself. Lie to protect his reputation.
Nothing was ever his fault. When he lost it on you screaming, it was because you did something to cause it. He deserved things because of who he was not because of how hard he worked.
And with that pompous attitude, he often got everything he wanted taking it with a coy smile. Most people reserve those thoughts and keep it to themselves but he walked around looking down on everyone truly believing he was better. But it drained you. He was charming and charismatic when you were out with groups. He always knew how to sell himself and he did it well. But behind closed doors, once the night ended his personality changed. He could tell you how to improve.
He was the king of making up excuses. But he needed you to drop what you were doing at that moment and give him your time or attention. He never understood the word no. There was always this cloud of negativity around him and around you when he was in your life.
Nothing was ever simple or easy but exhausting. Validation was achieved through accomplishments and getting somewhere. Narcists have a lot of enemies and a huge chip on their shoulder wanting nothing else than to prove to people who doubted them that they made it. There is no such thing as failing. He never allowed it. He had the inability ability to see things from your perspective.Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible.
But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? The truth is that noa true narcissist never changes his stripes — ever.
Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. So, is your ex happy in his new relationship?
The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn.
The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself — like a chameleon — according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship.
I have friends now — all those friends that never came around because of YOU! He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? As for social media, I can only say s tay away from it.
And Amen to that! Dear Ms. Zari, I cannot thank you enough for all your hard work. You, and Ms. And oh Laawdy, it been Ugly. But, do ya know? I had an amazing dream last night. By the way, I do not sleep much, well, or often. But I actually slept last night, for the first time in months. I dreamed that Satan was in my room.
Yep, My Little Narcissist was back again!
What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You?
My bed. Infesting, infecting my life. Imma retain my dignity, God bless. I am NOT going to react to such trash and filth with the same level of debasement with which he abused me. And, in my dream, he finally walked out of my room. Insert gasps of shock and awe.
He finally walked out of my room, without yelling or screaming or throwing shit at me or my having to call the cops. Like he always used do, like I put up with, before."Narcissists Re-Idealizing Old Sources of Supply" my riff on a Sam VaKnin video
He finally walked the fuck out of my room, because Jesus in the Bible gave me that power to command over him.